Living a Lie Gets Hard (pt. 1)

On the last blog, I touched on my mental illness and where I’ve been hiding. I guess it’s time to take that dive and look back on exactly when it got so dark.

Of course, last year we were all experiencing the pandemic. I got into my bubble. Luckily, I was still doing some work as a brand manager and some social media consulting and copywriting but other than that nothing. My day consisted of the little bit of work that I had to do and watching the news. I was obsessed with it. It started at 4 o'clock with the local news until 5:30 and once 7 o’clock hit, it was me and CNN until about 1am..... every day. Between rising covid numbers and the fight on social injustice I was being forced to watch from the sidelines, I was literally torturing myself mentally.

I didn’t wanna be around anybody because I had no control over who they were around and that obsession lasted for a long time. I would stay up at night thinking I probably touched something or interacted with someone while out running errands.

When I could no longer see my family that’s when I think I was at the top of the roller coaster after slowly cranking up to the peak. During August/September I couldn’t see my immediate family and that was the first of my dad‘s birthdays since I’ve been born that I didn’t get to see him I can honestly say that was when my last major depressive episode started.

No, I haven’t had a depressive episode in a very long time, in probably years, not one this bad. Did I think I was cured of depression, no! But the break was nice. I would struggle to get out of bed and not the same struggles I'd from my lupus, these were "I don’t want to see or experience life" struggles. I'd just cry and cry and cry, oh but when it was time to have a meeting or a consultation I could put the face on. I was a pro at it, clients had no clue. At that time not even my best friends had a clue. I was hiding it so well. Well enough to make me think "I’m not having what I think I’m having, I’m just going through it. I just miss my parents or my sister or my nieces and nephews. This isn’t what I think it is." But yet the days continue the exact same way. I would want to go to bed, I'd have panic attacks and cry uncontrollably. The thought of life began to drain me and this went on for months. Living a lie gets hard.

Until Next Time Loves,

Curls n' Cocktails