Are you afraid to heal?

I’m back…again.

Yes, I am back AGAIN again. I know I left at the beginning of the pandemic and made a return and then vanished all over again. The truth is I wasn’t ready to come back to blogging when I did the first time. There was still a lot going on with me mentally and I was still trying to take in a lot that was going on around the pandemic and social injustice and juggling life as an entrepreneur while so many people were losing their jobs and just trying to make ends meet. It was just all too much for me at a point and when I say at one point things got bad, I mean very bad.

I originally considered making my return at the beginning of the year, you know "New Year fresh start" that’s what everyone says right? But then the beginning of the year came and I still just wasn't there. I said, "OK let’s do March". March came and went. I knew it wouldn’t be responsible for me to return to my audience unless I’ve faced everything that happened to me mentally, wholeheartedly, and by that, I mean getting help. More than just going back to anti-depressants and anxiety meds, I mean following my own advice and going to therapy and I refused to come back to Curls n' Cocktails the blog without finding a therapist that I could trust and be comfortable with.

The same way I do for lupus, I want to spread awareness for mental health.

There were a lot of ways I could have made this return. When you’ve been gone a year, you feel the need to make it extra, not just come back with a blah blah post. For so long I wanted to focus on the people who got me through my mental health break down and I’m going to get there, we’re gonna shine a very deserving light on them, but down the road. That's only because everything that happened to me is too much to put into one blog post. So I decided that the time for me to come back of course made the most sense during Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. The same way I do for lupus, I want to spread awareness for mental health.

But Cora, you already do that! You're already an advocate for mental health! You co-founded a whole festival focusing on mental health. That’s totally different, I want to hone in on it. I want to answer any questions and be completely vulnerable about my experiences as someone who fights anxiety and depression. I hid it for so long and then even when I became open about it there was still so much that I kept to myself or only shared with very few best friends.

I randomly asked myself is it possible I was scared to heal.

A lot of people suffer from anxiety, so I feel like that’s easy to say "I have anxiety", "I've had an anxiety attack" but when it comes to saying I suffer from severe depression that’s when the “anxiety" (for lack of better words) starts to kick in. I got to probably the lowest I’ve ever been (I'll give dates later) and to say that is saying a lot, because I’ve had some very low points, been in very dark places mentally and emotionally. After the time of my last major depressive episode, while looking for a therapist and just kind of deciding what I wanted to do in the end I randomly asked myself is it possible I was scared to heal and I think that’s what a lot of people need to do I need to ask themselves; if you’re scared to heal. I think once you face that particular obstacle, a weight may be lifted. If you can say "yes, I’m afraid to heal" or "no I’m not" the steps toward healing can begin. I can look back now and say yeah I was afraid I was scared of what healing may look like because I knew healing could look like me accepting responsibility for a lot of the pain that I caused myself. Me admitting I was afraid of healing would mean that I may have to have these difficult conversations I have put off for so many years.

No, I’m not completely healed right now it’s a process me and my therapist are going through right now. I have been in therapy now for about three months. It’s gonna be a long road and I know this. Every Monday at 2 PM is the time that I look forward to! If I miss a Monday my whole week feels off. This is something that I hate I put off for so long. I can’t wait to share with you guys everything that I went through over the last year mentally, how it could have or did affect me physically, how I got through it, and the way it affected those around me. Like I said we’re gonna talk about this all month so be looking for a blog post for me every week throughout Minority Mental Health Awareness Month as we continue to dig deep and I know that this is not what my blog and my audience comes to me for but if I can help someone out there that’s what I’m going to do. We'll still talk about the cute stuff, the make-up, the beauty, events & entertainment all that is still going to be here, it’ll be mixed in, I promise! But upon my return, this is something that I have to do and I have to give to you guys.

If you have any questions please feel free to drop them in the comments. You can always email me, DM me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter however you feel comfortable. I am here nothing on this subject is off-limits. If you need help finding a therapist, I can help you with that and give you resources to find one that you are comfortable within your area.

So I want to end on this note, if you’re struggling right now ask yourself "are you afraid to heal?"

Until next time loves,

Cora